The List- Part 2

Everyone has a list of qualities they look for in a future husband or wife. If you say you don't and that we are being shallow for making these lists you are most likely lying to yourself. Subconsciously you have made one and when you date someone you secretly make checks to the list. Obviously, this is ideal, but at least I know what I want. Here is the list of qualities I would like in a husband:

• Generally nice person and considerate to everyone
• Social and not shy around strangers
• Good with children with the potential to be a good father
• Goes to church on Sundays/ LDS
• Intellectual with a college degree
• Has a job that is beneficial to society
• Volunteers in his free time
• An Eagle Scout
• A manly man
• Can make me laugh
• Self-motivated
• Free of addictions
• Good driver
• Good at fixing things
• Open minded and doesn’t judge people
• A little badass
• Good listener
• Likes the outdoors
• Carries the groceries
• Likes to travel
• Nice smile
• Tan
• Green/Blue eyes
• At least 5’10”
• Appreciates my weirdness
• Likes animals, especially dogs and horses
• Wants to live in a small town
• Wants a maximum of three children
• Clean and organized
• Good hygiene
• Good speller
• Usually on time
• Reads the newspaper every morning
• Has a nerdy side to him
• Holds my hand
• Says “Love you Mom” before he hangs up the phone with his mother
• Has a good and stable family

Why can't he lock it down?

Lock it down, seal the deal; there are numerous expressions the males use to claim victory. But some guys just can’t seem to ‘lock down’ the relationship. They go on a date with a girl, show interest in a relationship, pursue, and nothing ever happens. I know this one guy and trust me whenever I introduce one of my friends to him they instantly fawn over him. He just has this cool demeanor to him that makes the ladies want more. Sometimes, even I, the quintessential pessimist, succumb to his charm. There is no reason why girls shouldn’t be falling down at his door step and there are some girls who do exactly that; but, when he does find a girl that he actually likes he fails to advance to the next step.

So why does this keep occurring? To be honest, I don’t really know. Maybe it’s because he tends to like girls who look like models. Meaning that that the model girl already has multiple suitors; thus, she is the decider of the potential relationship. Since the model girl has an entourage of males to choose from, it is likely she will pick the best candidate for the ‘boyfriend’ position.

Lesson: There will always be someone better, whether they are better looking, taller, smarter, or richer. When we perceive someone as being the best they are essentially just that and completely out of our league. In turn what they perceive as the best is coincidently out of their league. It's a vicious cycle that is continuous as people are always striving to do better. It is the basis of Darwin’s theory 'survival of the fittest'. You date to get ahead, to progress in life's path and I am honestly convinced that this concept is what ends marriages.

Katharine Hepburn had four major affairs in her life. All of the men were married, and all were very helpful to her at different stages in her career- a well-known playwright, an agent, a big producer, and a leading man. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Women choose men (whether it be boyfriends, husbands, or in Katharine’s case affairs) based on what they can provide in the relationship. Again, do you think it’s a coincidence that 2 out of 3 males at BYU are on the pre-professional track? The fact is that more is being expected out of men in every aspect of the relationship. I honestly feel bad for males (sometimes) because there is so much pressure on them to be the complete package.

I realize that this post is not being directed towards the nuns, I suppose this advice is for the model girls. I guess they just have to stop having expectations. The model girls need to be more lenient and realize that correlation does not imply causation. Meaning that if a guy isn't the 'college type' it doesn't mean he is going to be less successful at being the provider. He should still be given a chance. It might take some time adjusting to the fact that you aren't going to be a doctor's wife, but you never know: One day you might be thankful he is actually home.

<3 The Nunnery

The List

In a previous post we discussed the concept of the unattainable man. We talked about the fact that there is no “perfect man,” and that making a list of qualities that you would want this “perfect man” to have is not always the best judge of finding a suitable guy to date. However, just for fun, we would like to post a list of qualities that we want in a guy. If I could pick out the perfect man (marriage material), he would fit this criteria:

• 6 ft. 2
• has six pack abs
• looks like a young Paul McCartney or the Rock
• is always be respectful
• has a nice mom
• wears nice clothes
• has a car
• makes funny faces
• is cute
• never fights with me, but does my bidding
• has an artistic side to him
• plays an instrument
• is a little weird
• is a doctor
• likes to read
• likes all things Harry Potter

<3 The Nunnery

The Boy Decoder

One thing that bugs me about some guys whether they are straight or gay is that they think that they know the female mind inside and out. Some guys profess to know the secret to what makes a woman tick (her emotions, right?). However, I will give them the benefit of the doubt because there are times when they admit to not having a clue at all as to what girls are thinking. But they know about 98.5% of the time (or so they think).

I have recently started doing a case study on the male mind, so that I too, although a girl, may master the art of the male mind and get one step ahead. Today, I will interpret “boy speak” for the common nun. This will act as a guide for how to talk to a guy without hyperventilating during the process . . .

So, when a guy really likes a girl, he is sometimes not very sure what to say or how to act around her. Girls, do not get initially offended. He just really does not know what to say to you because he has been listening to this all day from his other guy friends:

Imaginary Guy - Girls say one thing and when they always mean something else.
Imaginary Guy - Girls don’t know what they want
Imaginary Guy -Girls are gold diggers
Imaginary Guy -Girls are teases

My interpretation of these statements comes out to this: some guys are afraid of girls because we are naturally indecisive. Naturally, this indecision will cause us to only have intentions of breaking their hearts. I would be afraid too if I was a guy and only had this sort of guidance to go off of, so that when a guy finally gets his courage up to talk to us, it comes out like Duke Orcino’s comment to Olivia in the movie, She’s the Man:

Dater Dan- Do you like Cheese?
(I’m just kidding)
Or he says something even more greatly offensive like
Dater Dan- Why are you wearing that shirt?

My studies of boy speak have determined that there is a miscommunication among genders. Although he is not trying to be mean; he is somehow mean, at least according to a girl! Many girls would not even ask another girl why she was wearing a certain something because girls just don’t do that because:

Imaginary Guy - all girls like to gossip.

According to “boy speak,” everything is simpler when you are a guy because you don’t get angry about stupid little things. You don’t fight over girls and end friendships because of them, and if you did, you would be friends the next day like nothing had happened.

Many guys believe that girls are ruled by their emotions:

Dater Jan- Sorry that I was being emotional tonight, I was stressed about school.
Dater Dan- It’s ok. You’re just being a girl.
Dater Jan-What’s that supposed to mean?
Dater Dan- Girls are emotional and crazy.

Nuns, instead of feeling like you are being attacked or generalized in these situations, first think about the male mind and the ease that comes with that way of thinking. Many girls would benefit from just not getting angry and dramatic about every little comment that is made about them that is most times unintentionally mean.

The purpose of these scenarios is to show nuns that we actually do have the upper hand on the guy that we like because he really actually is just as nervous as you are to date even though he is big, and strong, and tough, and a baller . . . (the list goes on). If we know how they think and we enlighten them on how we think, think of how less awkward dealing with members of the opposite gender would be!

This is where nuns come in to save the day and to help their guy friends know how to talk to a girl without being . . . offensive(?) If you currently have a friend who is of a different gender than your own, consult them the next time you open your mouth to speak or choose to get offended at a comment that could easily be brushed off.

<3 The Nunnery

Mending a Broken Heart

Romantic relationships can be complicated and messy. Let's face it; most relationships don't work out, as most of us will (hopefully) only end up with one significant other. The purpose of the relationships that don't quite work out is to let us grow as a person and to figure out how to make a relationship work when we do find that special someone. Unfortunately when most relationships end someone has to get hurt. Sometimes, it's even hard for both sides--after all, breaking up is not easy to do. It hurts to throw away your story with someone. All the good memories and the dreams and plans you had for the future. It does not matter if you wish things could be different or if you even regret something you did. It does not matter if you regret becoming involved with that person or if you are angry and looking for revenge.

But you must face the fact that your heart is broken.

So now what? Are you going to sit and cry for the rest of your life or are you going to do something to fix your current situation? Put aside all the "what ifs" and remember that you can not change something that was not meant to be. You can only remember the lessons you learned and apply them to the next relationship. And trust me, there will be someone else. But first you need to mend your broken heart. You can do this, you just need to remember that it all depends on you!

Step 1: Cry out everything you have to cry about! When we get hurt, it is completely normal to cry. Don't ever think you are being weak for crying and don't feel embarrassed because of it. You can lock yourself in a room, if you want to, and put on some sad music...but let yourself feel the pain and cry so you can let it go. The main thing here is: Get rid of the pain, just let them go.

Step 2: Get busy. When you are trying to get someone out of your head, you need to put other things inside of it. It doesn't matter how; you just need to get distracted. Go to a movie, play a game, or travel. It does not matter what you are you going to do--the important thing is to find something to do. Find a hobby, find something you enjoy doing, something to keep your mind busy. If your mind is busy you won't have time or space for the person you are trying to forget.

Step 3: Spend some time with your friends. Friends are always great to have in this kind of situation. Friends can make you feel good about yourself and get you distracted easily. They will certainly make you laugh and make you see that you're way more important than you think.

Step 4: Avoid the person. Avoid places you know you might see them. When you're trying to forget someone and you keep seeing them, it becomes harder to move on. If you meet them somewhere be polite, but keep the interaction short. It might be difficult at first because you secretly want to be with them no matter the circumstances, but in the end you will understand why it's better to avoid them.

Step 5: Avoid every kind of romantic thing. If you are trying to forget someone, you should not watch romantic movies or listen to romantic songs...it makes you feel bad and you will certainly remember the person you are trying to get rid of. It does not matter if it is a song you love or if it is playing on the radio, just change the station or do something else...you just need to avoid the romantic things for now.

Step 6: Take good care of yourself. Women tend to run for some kind of self-destruction when they're hurt. When the relationship fails we have no reason to take care of our appearance anymore and the only thing that gives us comfort is chocolate and sugar. That way we become less attractive; which, is apparently convenient since we are not ready to date anyway. But this laziness depletes our self-confidence. So if you are hurt, just try to use your pain to benefit yourself instead of against yourself. Go to the gym and look like you actually took a shower...do whatever you can so you feel beautiful and confident!

Step 7: Open your eyes. You are still in the grieving process for step 7 and by no means are you ready to date yet. But, open your eyes and force yourself outside your comfort zone. There might have been someone who was perfect for you, but you were too busy putting effort into a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. Be open minded and stop comparing every girl you meet to the one that didn't work out.

Step 8: Accept the process. Getting over someone takes time and you have to accept that. You can't expect to forget in 2 days someone you loved for 2 years and you can't pretend to be strong if you feel like crying. Just face your pain and accept that it is not easy and it is going to take some time. When you are patient with yourself and your situation, things tend to get easier and better.

Forgetting someone is not easy to do nor is it easily explained in just 8 steps. But here are some things that will help make the process smoother. As I said, it takes time and it is hard but I'm sure you can do it. The only thing that is really important is: It all depends on you! If you want to forget someone, then you will, there is no doubt. Even if it takes a long time, even if you have to be strong...you will be. In that kind of situation we usually find out that we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. So believe in yourself, take a deep breath, and move on!

<3 The Nunnery

If he is weird

All of Jenna’s talk about movies got me thinking about the 90s. Remember in the movie Clueless when Ty falls in love with Travis? Cher and Dion tell Ty that there is no way that she can ever date him and expect to still be in the popular group.

At first glance, Travis is the typical stoner, it’s true. He wears dirty shirts, baggy jeans, and has hair that is so greasy that it practically dreds on its own. But despite his outer appearance, he is probably the kindest boy at the whole high school. Is he not the first person to run to Ty’s aid after she gets knocked out by a purple clog?

This example of Travis leads me to an important point to make for Nuns. As a nun, one thing that may be holding us back from finding true dating bliss is the fact that the boys we like may be extremely weird. This boy may like to push the “acceptable” boundaries of society in his appearance and mannerisms. He is slightly rebellious, and we may be slightly attracted to that because as Nuns we like to have a little bit of fun outside of the convent.

We may be afraid to show our true feelings about this boy to our friends because of fear of what they will say. Will they judge us for choosing to like someone who is by definition one of the weirdest people in the world? What will people think of about our own mental stability for choosing to like someone who is abnormal?

With these thoughts constantly running through our minds, we refuse his advances and we act like we are too cool for him, but really, what is normal? Who is normal? NO ONE IS. Everyone has their own little quirks and “special interests,” and those differences are what help to ensure that the whole female population is not chasing after one man.

So what if he likes anime and looks grungy/sketchy 6 out of 7 days in the week? Despite his outward appearance, he may be the sweetest guy in the world, but you have to get past the outward show in order to discover who he truly is. He probably does not show his true self to a lot of people, but in the presence of a Nun, he may feel a little more at ease to be himself because he understands that a Nun may feel just as out of place in the social spectrum as he does.

All I am saying is to consider giving that weird boy a chance : ) it may turn out to be quite beneficial. Your friends might have some objections to the relationship at first, but once they see how the two of you click, his weirdness won’t even be weird anymore. He will just be quirky (which is a nicer way of saying weird, jk). And who cares what your friends think anyway, as long as he’s good to you.

<3 The Nunnery

Real men can't hold a match to Jake Ryan

As much as I love 80’s movies I feel that the depictions of romance have actually misconstrued the meaning of the word, ultimately causing a skewed perception of males. Case in point: Jake Ryan. He was the quintessential figure of the school: handsome, popular, and rich. But, most importantly he was actually a cool guy. For example, Jake Ryan was the guy who got Samantha’s panties back and didn’t make a big deal of it. He also found the ‘sex test’ she dropped on the floor and just kept the information to himself. He didn’t tell his friends, he didn’t e-mail or text everyone the evidence. So maybe they didn’t have the possibilities of networking that we have today, but even if there was that temptation Jake Ryan wouldn’t have nudged. Why? Because Jake Ryan was and still is the perfect guy. He will forever cloud our minds with possibilities; that the most popular and attractive guy in school will dump his supermodel girlfriend and actually notice the quiet not-so attractive girl.

But the truth is Jake Ryan is fictional, he does not exist, and no he is not going to pick you up at church in his red Porsche 944. It simply will not happen. The only solace remains within the perceptions we have built in our minds during our adolescent days. Every girl had her own Jake Ryan in High School and the world was a better place because of him. On the outside he was perfection and you had this hope he would notice you…. because of Jake Ryan you believed that a nice guy could be inside a flawless exterior, but that is not the case. He is not going to smile at you at the school dance, nor will he take the time to look up your number to call you, and he definitely isn’t going to bake you a cake for your birthday. I’m sorry to this again, but it will not happen.

There is no perfect guy; however, that doesn’t mean that the RIGHT guy doesn’t exist. I think you just have to find someone that you can be yourself around and will accept you for you, vice versa. As I learned in High School you can’t put people on pedestals because they have no where to go but down. Thus, you shouldn’t expect a Jake Ryan, nor should you want one. There are plenty of great guys out there and you just have to look in the RIGHT place to find them.

<3 The Nunnery